My salvation, accepting the Father, Son and Holy Spirit into my heart and soul is the single most defining and important choice of my mental illness journey. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was 25 years old and a single mother to my son, Shawn, who was 2 1/2 years old. It was a beautiful late summer day in 1998. The warm sun was shining down, the birds were chirping and leaves were rustling in the gentle breeze. It was such a juxtaposition to what I was feeling inside. Shame and guilt from the wild lifestyle I was living at the time. I was taking my son for a walk, as regretfully I didn’t spend much time with him during this period in my life. I was very selfish and I was too busy out partying, drinking copious amount of alcohol and getting into trouble by being reckless and promiscuous. During our walk, I started crying uncontrollably, the tears wear gushing down my face. I was struggling internally and I knew that if I continued on the the trajectory that I was on, I likely wouldn’t make it to my 26th birthday.
I dropped to my knees right there on the deserted street and cried out to Jesus. As in the words of the beautiful Carrie Underwood, ”Jesus, Take the Wheel”. I knew I could no longer exist on my own accord. I was crying out for forgiveness and asking for Him to carry me through this faithless life I was living. My mental illness, the uncontrollable ups and downs, were causing me to spin out of control and I could no longer handle it on my own. I had no idea at this time that I had Rapid-Cycling Bipolar 2 Disorder and Generalized Anxiety, I just knew something was very wrong! I made a promise to God that if He would forgive my sins, that I would change my ways and live in His word. I was so tired of feeling broken, suicidal, out of control, guilty and shameful, unworthy, unloved and immoral – that’s a large load to bear. I longed for peace that surpasses all understanding to overwhelm my heart and soul. My life from that moment on has not been perfect, but I started living my life as a Christian who was here for a divine purpose. I changed my thought patterns and abandoned my careless ways. I started being the mom to Shawn that I was intended to be. God became my stronghold and with Him all things are possible!
If you are broken or lost I pray that you will know you are worthy and you were created by God with a purpose! God makes all broken things new and loves YOU! I have accepted myself as I am – I was created by God with a beautiful, crazy mind. Love yourself as you are and live your best life!
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.Psalm 139:14